Sunday was the end of my journey trying to conceive. Sadly, it has not ended as one would hope. But it has ended, and that is a (surprisingly) huge relief to me.
On Sunday we went to eat with my grandparents (who, I have found out, actually read my blog, which is pretty sweet!), and on the way to the restaurant (more on that later) we were discussing plans for our house. This discussion came to the same point it always comes to, and that is: if you are putting money into the house, that means you are not putting it into my uterus.
I told him (for the bazillionth time) that I don’t want to try to have “our own” kids anymore. It is to expensive, for such small chances. This time he agreed with me. I don’t know if it was the lack of hysteria and tears that generally accompany this statement that changed his mind, or if the idea has grown on him a little bit. He said he would rather keep trying, but he knows that we have to compromise on it.
He is not as into the idea of adoption as I am, I think because he has seen some not so hot family dynamics occur in families that adopt. I am “half-adopted” and have absolutely no qualms about the fact that blood doesn’t mean family. Also he was really hoping that if we managed to get pregnant once, then we would be able to naturally conceive subsequent children without any issues. I know that that could totally happen, but I also know that we could invest tons of money into it and have it never happen, and then have no money to adopt.
My end of the compromise is that we will only adopt two babies, and then when they are older if we want more kids, we will adopt out of the foster care system. Also we are going to wait a little while to start the process.
Next year (2013) he gets all of our extra money to fix up the house. This serves both of us well. We get a fixed up house, and it will help make our house worth more in the long run to refinance and be able to afford to adopt.
In 2014 we will start doing foster care, and see if any children come to us through that route. I have wanted to do foster care for awhile now, and the opportunity to help kids is wonderful, even if we don’t end up being able to adopt them. We will also start saving all our extra money. This part is actually dependent on whether the state will let me do daycare AND foster care, because I need the daycare money. Actually I wouldn’t stop the daycare to do foster care even if I didn’t need the money, because I love the kids.
2015 is the big year! If we don’t have children through the foster care system we are going to bite the bullet and start the process of domestic infant adoption. The costs for this are astronomical, but we will refinance our house and there is a tax refund. Also if you can locate a birth mom without an agency the cost is cut in about half. We have had a few people offer to help with the costs of fertility testing, and I am hoping we can get them to be as generous about helping with adoption.
I am more than a little sad at how freaking old I will be when I finally have a baby, 29 or 30!, but we don’t have a whole lot of choice in the matter. Even if we wanted to start the process now, we can’t afford it, and since we just bought the house we have no equity in it.
I was really surprised at how relieved I am to NOT be trying anymore. I was honestly crying in bed last night out of relief. Not like sobbing, just a few tears. Happy tears! I also feel less bitter already about pregnant people. Since I am not trying anymore, its not like they have what I am working for. In the interest of honestly, I will say there is a part of me that is like “everyone says when you stop trying you get pregnant, maybe it will work for you”. But I am not counting on it, and it isn’t the plan anymore.
I don’t know what God has planned for us, but I do know that I think He is going to bless us with children, one way or another. I feel so much calmness about it, that I really think it is God’s will.