babies, Bible, crazy, infertility

I Am Probably Insane

I should NOT be blogging this…  If I believed in jinxes, I would totally think I was jinxing it.

*This post is being added in so its published on the correct day, not a week later when it will be completely irrelevant*

Crazy Rachel thinks she is pregnant.  Why, you ask?  No real reason.  I have not been charting, so I have not idea if/when I ovulated.

I am on cycle day 27, which is one day short of my 5 year average.  Isn’t that crazy?  Over the last 5 years I have with cycles ranging from about 15-71 days, averaged out to 28.  Anyways, my average cycle length is fairly meaningless, since my cycles have been all over the place the last year or so.  But my last 5 cycles have been 23,26,20,24 and 25 days long, which means that at CD 27 with no spotting, I am practically late.  Never mind that the cycle before they got shorter was 42 days or something ridiculous.

For some reason around CD 10-12 I remember thinking I was ovulating.  My luteal phase averages 13 days, so if I was right about my ovulation (which I have no idea why I thought I was ovulating) I am late right? 

Since about last Monday, which was at best 9 DPO and to early to have had symptoms, I have felt mildly sick, no vomiting or anything, off and on.  I have been getting way more headaches than usual and I have been a freaking insomniac for the same amount of time.

TMI ALERT:  I have been having a disturbing about of cervical fluid for the last week or two.  It is really gross, and I keep thinking that I have started my period and better hurry myself to the bathroom.

So I am deciding between three options:

1) Test on CD 29 – Thursday – if I am not spotting.  CD 29 is both the day “normal” women are late and when I am late for my average.

2) Wait until our house closes, sometime this week or next, so that way if its negative I have some awesome news so its not to depressing.  Plus people on the house hunting shows always seem to find out that they are pregnant right when they buy a house.

3) Wait until October 18th, which is forever away, 58 days.  But it would be the estimated end of my first trimester.  It would also put me on CD 85 which is two weeks longer than my longest ever cycle.  If I were patient I would do that.  Then I am very unlikely to miscarry and without the knowledge of pregnancy I might avoid some of the symptoms, which I think are party in your head (but mostly in your hormones).

I know I am not pregnant.  After 5 years it is statistically doubtful that I will conceive without medical intervention.  But there is always hope.  God is the one really holding the cards.  And for some reason, this month I really feel like this is the month I get my miracle baby.  I am sure I have felt like this before, although probably not as strongly, or for so long (this is how pregnant I feel – I will be mildly surprised if I take a test and DON’T get two lines).  I am sure that I will feel pregnant again.  But I am kind of enjoying the optimism I’m feeling.

I think I might actually buy this shirt. 

And then right after I finished writing this entry, the following verse shows up in my Facebook feed:

Proverbs 3:5-7
Trust in the Lord with all your heart.  Never rely on what you think you know.  Remember the Lord in everything you do, and he will show you the right way.  Never let yourself think that you are wiser than you are; obey the Lord and refuse to do what is wrong.  GNT

The first two sentences caught my eye.  Why oh why do I read every Bible verse that could in any way, shape, or form relate to my being pregnant as a sign that I am?

I also read this one and it kind hit close to home. 

James 1:6-8
“But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.”

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3 thoughts on “I Am Probably Insane

  1. Oh Rachel I completely know how you feel! I really hope you are pregnant, that would be so exciting!!! My period should start tomorrow or the next few days and I always find some symptom that I convince myself might be a sympotom of pregnancy. Monday morning I woke up and I was really dizzy and that was the first thing that came to mind. And I always have cramping, but always hope this time it's a different type of cramping. I had an ultrasound and they found a polyp in my uterus. My Dr. is going to do surgery at the end of next month to remove it and at the same time "look around" in there to see if she can find signs of endometriosis or anything else that might be keeping us from getting pregnant. She doesn't think the polyp would be the cause of it. When I had the ultrasound we realized that we were about halfway through my yearly medical deductible, so decided to try and get as much done this year as possible, so it costs less in the long run. If it were me, I think I'd take the pregnancy test sooner rather than later, that way I wouldn't get too excited as each day went by. For me, every day I wait I get more exicited that this might be it and then have a bigger let down. If you are pregnant I will be so excited for you!!

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