crazy, infertility

Bitter Much?

I am 5 kinds of bitter about my struggle with infertility.  I am going to be really honest here, and just lay it all out how I see it (or rather feel it). 

Bitter: 1. having a harsh, disagreeably acrid taste, like that of aspirin, quinine,
               wormwoods, or aloes.
            2. producing one of the four basic taste sensations; not sour, sweet, or salt
            3. hard to bear, grievous, distressful; a bitter sorrow
            4. causing pain; piercing, stinging; a bitter chill
            5. characterized by intense antagonism or hostility; bitter hatred
            6. hard to accept or admit; a bitter lesson
            7. resentful or cynical; bitter words

I would say that definitions 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 are all accurate descriptions of my feelings about the whole situation.

I have always been a jealous person.  It is not an admirable quality, in fact it is listed as one of the seven deadly sins.  But envy and me, we are pretty tight.  Noting has brought out the green eyed monster like my infertility. 

This is my metaphor (analogy?) for infertility.  Don’t take it seriously, or personally.  I know kids aren’t french fries.  Here goes:

Imagine that your whole life you just wanted to work at McDonalds.  From the time you can remember, all you have wanted to do is flip burgers.  It seemed like a perfectly attainable goal, no schooling or experience required.  As soon as you could apply, you did.  You went in and applied every month for years.  You talked to the managers and owners.  But they NEVER hired you.  You knew a lot of people that did get hired.  In fact, some of them just walked in and were offered a job.  Most of them only applied once or twice.  Eventually you even tried offering to pay them to let you work there.  But they still refused to hire you.

Like I said, I know kids are not french fries.  I also know that raising kids is about a million times more important than burger flipping.  But other than the value factor, I feel it is a pretty realistic depiction of infertility.  Since I can remember, all I wanted to do was be a mom.  And I NEVER thought it would be difficult to do.  I mean sure, RAISING kids is quite a task but I thought GETTING pregnant would be easy.  Other people try for a few months and get pregnant.  Other people actively AVOID getting pregnant and still have babies.  No matter what I do, I can’t seem to get pregnant.

This has made me quite bitter.

I am angry when people announce they are pregnant.  I am beyond jealous.  Even people that I love, people who I think will be absolutely amazing mothers.  It doesn’t matter how much you deserve your baby, I can’t fathom why I don’t deserve one.  I want to avoid pregnant ladies, like the plague.  And babies are such a toss-up for me.  On the one hand I adore them, and love to see them and hold them and care for them.  On the other hand, sometimes I want to cry when I see them.

My husband hates my bitterness about the situation.  And honestly, I wish I did.  Even though I know anger and bitterness are bad, I cling to them like life preservers.  For some twisted reason, it feels like if I let go of them, I have nothing left.  Feeling nice is like giving the fertile people the one thing I have.  I realize that this is pathetic and wrong, and I should want to change.  I just don’t know how.  Feelings are weird to me, I don’t feel like I have any control over them.  I can control how I ACT, but how I feel, not a chance.

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2 thoughts on “Bitter Much?

  1. I know I've successfully battled infertility twice after working with me RE for over 10 years, but I'm still bitter. I don't understand why some people can just think about getting pregnant and "poof" it happens, and then it happens to people who just shouldn't have children (no judgement here, but I have to avoid the news sometimes as I can't stand to hear about child abuse) and I can't fathom how that can be allowed to happen. Yeah, I'm still bitter.

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